cat puke; episode 397

TGIF y’all. I can’t even. Just TGIF.

So who else had one of THOSE weeks??

Yeah, you better hide your face.

That was just ONE DAY. How was your week??

the itty bitty football shirt

You guys.

This was 8 years ago.

This is today.

Can I cry now?

His attitude hasn’t changed much.

I found the old shirt. We decided it was good luck since the Pats beat the Panthers that year.

We put it on a stuffed bear but that wasn’t nearly enough fun.

So we put it on George.

No cats were harmed in the making of this post.

Mostly he just wanted to lie down.

Or rip my face off.

Best photo shoot ever.

Fingers crossed the Patriots win this one!

 

advice you didn’t know you needed: bodily fluids edition

Hey feed readers, come on over see my color change. No more bleeding pink and red!*

I’m going to give you all a few pieces of unasked for advice today. And you WILL thank me for it later.

Um. If you’re squeamish, or a man, you might want to go ahead and leave right now.

  1. Okay ladies, we all know when we’re getting a UTI, right? We don’t need no stinkin’ medical degree to tell us this diagnosis. Ahem. But sometimes it’s the weekend and it’s snowing and you just don’t wanna** go sit at the walk-in clinic all day just so you can pee in a cup and they can tell you what you already knew. Right?! So you start researching home remedies on the dear ole Google. Well let me just tell you right now, if you run across the one about dissolving a teaspoon of baking soda in some water and drinking it (because it changes the ph of your pee and all that) just keep in mind that this concoction is ALSO a home remedy for CONSTIPATION.*** But they don’t tell you that part. Until the stomach cramps start and you start Googling other uses for baking soda because you think you might have just poisoned yourself. That’s when you find out about baking soda super-quick (!) laxative effect. Except now YOU know and you didn’t have to learn it the hard way. Like me. I’m ready for my colonoscopy now. Yeesh.
  2. You guys! I warned you to stop reading.
  3. Moving on, those of us with kids know that pukage is an eventuality. Yes? I mean some kids hurl a lot and some not so much. If your kid is like mine and you can’t remember the last time he puked then I have some words of wisdom for you.**** He/she will not have the puking instinct! He won’t know it’s coming and he won’t even come close to thinking he should run for the bathroom, EVEN though you’ve said repeatedly “If you have to throw up there’s a bucket next to your bed, but can you please try to get to the toilet?!” No. No. No. He will instead come to your room, complain his stomach hurts, and proceed to climb in your bed. You will then have to basically shove him off your brand new comforter that doesn’t fit in your washing machine and bodily throw him toward the bathroom. He will then miss the bathroom (the first time anyway) and spew across the rug. I think we all know who HE is. Hint: Josh.
  4. For those of you with a cat and/or dog, fyi, the above applies to them as well. I really hate my carpets yo.
  5. And last but not least! When dealing with a 5 day, 7 day, 10 day long snot-filled MAN COLD in your house, just go ahead and get him a humidifier and every single kind of cold/flu remedy available asap. In fact, just go buy it all now in anticipation of the MAN COLD. It will save you all pain and suffering later. Oh, and buy extra trash bags for the enormous volume of tissues the Man will use.*****

We are all FINE now, so we don’t need get-well wishes. I just felt it best to share my recent experiences with you so you could enjoy them as much as I did. You’re welcome!

* I still want a full redesign but this will do for now! I don’t have the skills myself, nor the money to hire it out, and Damon doesn’t have the time to do all that. But I swear I’m going to learn how…maybe next year.

**You have to read that with a little whine in your inner voice. It helps.

*** LAXATIVES and IBS DO NOT MIX. EVER.

****I want to say that the last time Josh threw up was at least five years ago but it really has been so long that I can’t remember. I know, we were totally due.

*****It’s really snot funny. Oh, wait, yes it is. And I hope he doesn’t read this.

brainstorming always comes back to the cat puke

You know how right before you fall asleep you think of something so totally freaking brilliant you’re sure you’re going to remember it in the morning? And you wake up and don’t even remember you thought of something much less what that something actually is. I swear that’s why I haven’t written anything here for weeks. I always come up with great topic around 11pm. When I was a newbie blogger I would actually get up and write it out as soon as I thought of it, and then I would hit publish at 2am and no one would read it. By the next day I was happy that no one had read it because my middle of the night ramblings were never quite as good as I thought they were going to be. Usually I wrote stuff about cat puke. Wait, that’s not a good example because cat puke is actually funny. Unless you’re the one cleaning it up. Or stepping in it. Especially when it’s cold. And the ickyness of it makes you hop around on one foot, in the dark, when your muscles are already screaming at you because you went to Zumba the day before. Okay that didn’t really happen. Stepping in the cat puke after Zumba that is. That was a hypothetical situation that I made up to illustrate the typical things that befall me. Stepping in the cold cat puke in the middle of the night was actually 2 weeks ago, and well, the week before that too. Going to Zumba was only a few days ago, and although I couldn’t walk for days I laughed my butt off while I was there. If only that were true, right? That you could actually laugh until your butt fell off? I would be sooo dang skinny. But then I wouldn’t need to go to Zumba. And I wouldn’t be able to laugh with my friends there. And then I wouldn’t be skinny anymore. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle I tell you. Obviously Zumba is bad and I need to get my exercise some other way. Like shoveling the driveway. Which I am certain to have to do again tomorrow. Because of course it’s going to snow again, again, again. And January is never going to end. And I am going to have to rake the stupid roof one more time and my arms will fall off and we’ll get killer icicles. I won’t be able to defend myself from the killer icicles because I won’t have any arms and that is much, much worse than not having a butt. In conclusion, snow is even worse than Zumba and the only good thing about this post was the cat puke.

And I didn’t even write this in the middle of the night.

Go ahead I dare you to comment.

jalapeno burn

Duuuuude. Here is my very best New Year’s advice: never ever cut up hot peppers with bare hands.

Oh, really, you all knew that already?? Then how come no one told me?!!

I made a really amazing three bean turkey chili for lunch yesterday and of course it included a couple of freshly chopped hot peppers.

I thought that I had washed my hands pretty well, until around 5:30 last night when the burn started on my left hand under the fingernails, and then traveled down the 2nd knuckle of the inside of each finger. Oh my hell.

I’ve had a jalapeno burn before, but never like this. One of those peppers must have been really freaking hot.

I tried everything the online forums suggested; vinegar, milk, rubbing alcohol, baking soda and water paste. Well okay, I tried almost everything, I didn’t have any vodka in the house, and frankly I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to rinse my hand in it or get drunk to dull the pain, either way I wasn’t about to make a liquor store run on New Year’s Eve anyway. Oh, and I didn’t pee on my hand either, as one forum commenter had suggested, because, well, I don’t really think I need to explain why I didn’t want to do that.

Anyway, I finally combined the milk and the baking soda into a thin paste and soaked my hand in it for about half an hour. Then I dumped the stuff, made more, and soaked for another half hour. Thankfully that combination actually worked, and it gave me a good excuse to sit on the couch and watch tv for an hour. Oh, wait, it was New Year’s Eve – I already had a good excuse to sit on the couch and watch tv!! Dang wasted excuse.

Anyway, my next shopping list will include rubber gloves. And more baking soda.

Happy New Year peeps, let’s hope 2011 is better than 2010…

ps. The things I do for really good food…because honestly, I’d suffer all over again for that chili. 🙂

pss. These sorts of things happen to me all the time. I really am a walking disaster and I finally feeling like writing about it again.

psss confidential to F & S. That was the best lobster I ever had, and it’s a good thing it was so big because Josh ate half of it. 🙂 Thanks!!

some days I just shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house

Because I do things like this:

Those would be my new Christmas slippers.

I decided I need a last minute pre-New Year’s quick trip to the grocery store, so I grabbed my keys, my purse and took off. The minute I walked into the store I got a cart and headed for produce. As a I walked I happened to glance at my feet. D’oh!!

I forgot to change into shoes.

The old me would have cared enough to go back home and change. Seriously. The current me giggled, texted my friend about it and kept on shopping. 🙂 My jeans covered them up pretty well, and I’m hoping anyone who saw me just thought they were Uggs, but probably not if they saw the back of them…

I am that awesome.

the mostly mighty hunter

Long story short; every fall one or two mice get in the house. I wish I could find the dang hole they use. Gross, I know, but we are surrounded by woods, so it’s to be expected. And it’s why we have a cat, the mighty hunter George. Anyway.

A week or so ago we had a bit of late night excitement when George caught a mouse and proceeded to play with said dead rodent in the hall outside Josh’s bedroom door. I guess he wanted to give his boy a present. Damon picked it up with a paper towel and threw it outside.

A half hour later, more commotion ensued when George chased another mouse around the foyer. Do they travel in pairs? Ick. Damon trapped that one in the powder room. Tried to get George to go in and kill it. He wanted to play with it instead so Damon had to kill it himself. ~shudder~ I might have stayed in the next room.

Cut to tonight. Damon left for Florida early this morning. Josh just fell asleep. I am chilling with my crocheting and my Property Ladder on HGTV when I hear a ruckus in the hall. I pretend I don’t hear it. I really don’t want to know.

George comes trotting in with what looks to be a dead mouse. Looks. Did you know mice play possum? I didn’t either. Unless it was just stunned. Anyway, I thought it was dead so I tried to get George to drop it so I could, um, dispose of it. Ew. Only he wouldn’t let go. I should have known then, but noooo, I had to follow him around the house. Around and around and around the house. We have a circular floor plan. Around and around and around. Until! Yes! He dropped it! I can pick it up with this paper towel and…

Uh. It’s tail moved. It’s running. It’s cornered again! Bottom of the stairs! Three way standoff. I dare not move for fear it will run again. Like toward me. George makes his move! And just wounds it. Dude. I’m dying here. Wait that’s the mouse. Dying on my area rug. “Kill it George!” I whispered but George just looked at me proudly as it lay there kicking. And not dying fast enough. ~gag~

Hey Damon. I had to use one of your sneakers to beat the mouse to death. Hope you don’t mind. (And come home soon!)

Then I threw it outside. Of course, George escaped while the door was open. Because I am stupid. I almost let him stay out. Instead I put on shoes and went out in my pjs and got him. He waited for me, in the middle of the yard, proudly sitting next to his prize.

Let me just say, there better not be another effing mouse in this house tonight. Or tomorrow we’re going to a hotel.

My evening was Awe. Some. How was yours?

George says his evening was just fiiiine.

Mouse breath better not try to snuggle with me tonight either. Just sayin.

fall ball

So once again, I am doing a lot of this:

(I’m really not very good at taking pics with my iphone!)

while I do a lot of this:

(My son is not actually in this picture. Whoops! I don’t know why it’s only one I took. I’ll try to remember the real camera and get one of him next week!)

Yes, Josh is playing Fall Baseball. Yippee.

Really though? It’s better than soccer. There’s no whining in baseball, and there was always lots of whining in soccer. Something about all that freaking running.

The best thing about fall ball is there are no practices, only one game a week, every Saturday. It’s meant to be just for fun for those kids who really like baseball and don’t want lose all of their skills between seasons. I use the term skills pretty loosely here. Oh yeah.

The teams are of mixed ages, and Josh is the youngest on his. He doesn’t seem to mind the age and size differences, and he isn’t the worst player, so it’s going better than I anticipated. He also hasn’t been hit by a wild pitch yet, unlike a number of his teammates!

Anyway, this was supposed to be about me. On Saturday I was sitting in the stands starting a new crochet project, when a friend and fellow crocheter came over to sit with me. Her son was on the other team, and from the bleachers on the opposite side she had spied someone with fingers flashing. She knew that person had to be knitting or crocheting. And then she saw my hair.

I really am that obvious.

———————-

So who can guess what my new project is just by looking at the pattern? Hint: it’s part of Josh’s Halloween costume:

(That’s gold and burgundy, not cream and purple. Dang user error iphone.)

never again!

So. The yard sale sucked in oh so many ways. Someone please kick me if I ever say I’m having a yard sale again!

It was so humid in the morning that I had to take my glasses off while we were pulling all the junk out of the garage because they kept fogging up. And then there was the sweat. I don’t like to sweat!!

I had hopes of decent traffic when people started showing up at 7:30 to shop. Except the early birds only wanted old albums. ~grumble grumble~ I don’t have any records and I wouldn’t sell them to you if I did. Harrumph.

Do you know how boring a yard sale is when no one shows up? Okay, not no one, but almost. Ugh.

Damon had nothing to do so he played with the panorama feature on his iphone. It’s weirdly accurate and yet not at all. Um, our driveway is supposed to be a straight line?

Then he cleaned the garage. Now that’s bored!

Josh was trooper. He manned his toy table until 1pm when he finally gave up and went inside to watch tv. I couldn’t blame him, I desperately wanted to go inside too, sit in front of the air conditioner, and freeze my face off!

In the end, I made $38, Josh made $21, and we still have massive piles of stuff in the garage. I refuse to bring any of it back in the house lest it never leave again. I took some things to the transfer station to the area people can pick over for free, a bag of clothes went into a Salvation Army bin, a box of books are ready for the used bookstore, and the rest of it will be donated to my favorite charity yard sale in September.

I’m close to selling a dining room table on craigslist today, which is what we should have done with everything in the first place. ~sigh~

Yard sales are so not worth the effort. Lesson learned.

most days

My days are virtually the same, hour-by-hour, sitting at my desk, searching for photos, making lunches, begging telling Josh to play outside, cleaning up cat puke, and avoiding anything resembling housework. Thankfully, most days are punctuated with little bits of humor, like watching Wipeout. I know, I know, it’s all kinds of wrong, but I can’t help it. 🙂 And, yes, I let Josh watch it too…

Anyway, I wanted to show you a few things I typically see around here on any given day.

Look closely at the top of the photo. Yes, there is an extra cat in the picture. George is often found sleeping with toys piled on top of him.

I know I’m not the only mother in the world whose kid has extra sensory perception regarding the phone. Right? As soon as it rings, or even if I silently start to dial – he’s in the room. Talking to me. Or giving me hand gestures. Anything to get my attention. Or to listen in. Every single time! This photo? If I had saved them all I would have hundreds just like it:

Have you ever been to Passive Aggressive Notes? Well, I could have had a whole website of “I’m On The Phone Notes” if I had just planned ahead.

Lately we’ve been on a kill the clutter kick and we’ve decided to have a yard sale. A whole lot of crap is now piled in the garage:

And that’s not even all of it. Every day I put a little more in the pile, now named the Monster that Ate the Garage. We need to have that yard sale soon!

And last, but not least, is an older photo I found, taken by my husband that perfectly illustrates most of my days:

A cat that thinks he’s a person sitting on a Garfield book with Legos and crap all over the place. If a corner of a computer and a coffee cup were in the photo it would be perfect. 🙂

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